High quality media exposure as spun by truth cowboys at Just In Time PR was today proven to travel faster than light and to have the potential to reach beyond the estimated 93 billion mile diameter of the observable universe.
For years, humanity has tried to reach out to other non-intelligent life forms, blasting metal canisters containing David Bowie CDs, packets of fags, dog-eared copies of Razzle and pictures of Caesar (not the one where he was being knifed) into space using high-powered – and highly flammable – rocketry.
But such measures have now been shown to be a complete waste of time.
It has now been proven, empirically, and using logic, that humanity’s only hope of ever touching the edges of distant galaxies — and arguably the hands of God — now depends on top-drawer PR spin.
“While arseholed one night,” claimed washed-out PR legend, Dominic Hiatt, “it struck me, almost out of nowhere, that Edwin Hubble was barking up the wrong tree.
“His claim that there is a proportional relationship between Cepheids in distant galaxies and how much the light from those galaxies is redshifted is absolute bollocks. He’s overthinking it.
“The reality is much simpler: a pretty average client story spun into a piece of high quality media exposure by a truth cowboy will ‘pulsate’ approximately 2000 times faster than even the brightest Cepheid variable.
“In other words, our only chance of finding aliens is through talking shit and getting away with it.”
The alco-fuelled public relations fluffy continued: “The other day, for example, I got a full page client profile in the FT on the back of a thoroughly average, but incredibly well spun story.
“Later that evening, while I was at home doing some research on the internet, the following words in known alien language, Uryuomoco, flashed across my screen.
Roubo ac uremo iea slug vucguljc*
“I leapt out of my chair in terror and ran screaming for the door, faceplanting in the hallway because my trousers were around my ankles.
“But the splintered jaw was worth it: due to the selfless labours of the PR industry, we now know that somewhere out there, someone or something is watching us and keen to make contact.
*Leave us alone you crazy bastards