Leading UK PR agency, Just In Time PR, has launched a new service — Thanatos — for companies, celebrities and other public figures seeking to self-destruct spectacularly in full public view.
“Building company reputations and personal brands in the media has all become rather tiresome,” explained Dominic Hiatt, Just In Time PR’s founder. “It’s also considerably less fun than destroying them in one single interview or tweet.
“It’s not all about us, either: the clients we’ve advised to date have all found watching their personal or corporate stock collapse strangely up-lifting.”
Hiatt talked about the science underlying his new venture, rejecting claims from industry insiders that it is “bloody daft”.
“The mindless focus on productivity, success and growth is a capitalist narrative designed to keep us all in line. Everyone knows that. But there’s a massive self-destruct button in all of us, too — and our goal is to help people and companies press it.”
Just In Time PR’s new service is aimed at company directors, C-suite execs, celebs and any other recognised public figures who have had enough of positive brand perception and success, and simply want to go out in a blaze of media hell-fury.
Hiatt claimed market conditions were perfect for this type of service: “Not only can an ill-considered tweet go global in minutes, but the whole planet seems to have been taken over by self-righteous tree-huggers.
“I mean, I’m 42 and consider myself to be fairly enlightened, but to your average Guardianista I fall into roughly the same category as Alf Garnett. I tell you, alienating people at scale has never been easier.”
Just In Time PR is sparing no expense in launching its new division, and has already hired shamed Nobel laureate, Sir Tim Hunt, ex-banker Fred Goodwin and former BP boss Tony Hayward as non-execs. In a major coup, the infamous UK PR agency has also brought Gerald Ratner onboard as chairman.
“We want clients to know that we have all the tools for success, and are not just making it up as we go along. These men are experts in the art of media hara-kiri and have all been there and got the T-shirt. Well, in Gerald’s case, it was more like a Tom Ford suit.”
Company directors, chief executives, celebs and other public figures wishing to destroy their brands or hard-earned reputations have nothing to fear — Thanatos is 100% results-based.
If Hiatt and his gaffe-prone team don’t get you or your company trashed on the front page of at least three national newspapers, you will receive a full refund of the £25,000+VAT fee.
“Of course,” ventured Hiatt, “I’m sure you’ll understand that we have to ask for payment up-front — just in case the client goes bust or loses all their sponsors and revenue quicker than we anticipated.
There’s even a chance that stockmarket-listed Thanatos clients could make money, the brand guru continued: “We have a pal in the city, a hedgie called Derek, who will short the arse off your stock a week or two before the moment of truth.
“When your share price subsequently collapses, he’ll cut you 20% of the profit simply for giving him the old heads-up. Your company and reputation might be reduced to rubble, but if you’re sipping Pina Coladas somewhere in the Costas, bollocks to it all.”
Just In Time PR’s Thanatos service is fully bespoke and the coup-de-grâce can be delivered through any number of channels, e.g.